Summer Fridays

Where have I been lately? Well, I was in North Carolina for a week, so my whole routine was tossed in the air a bit. That said, I am now catching up on things, including the blog. The past week has been interesting for several reasons. First, I flew home last Thursday, which was actually my mom’s birthday. She thought I was coming in on Friday, but I wanted to surprise her, so with the help of my dad and my good friend Stacy, I got into RDU under the radar and surprised my mom at her birthday lunch. She was so shocked that she kept repeating, “Oh my gosh, oh my gosh,” haha. The whole plan was a success! Above all, it was nice to spend time with my mom since I’ve been away for the past few years on her birthday.

Aside from my mom’s birthday, the other purpose for my trip home was to attend Justin’s wedding. The ceremony and reception were lovely, but it was a little surreal to see such an old friend tie the knot! I know, I know…I should get used to people getting married, ha–but it hits home a little more since it was my first close friend to get married. (I am also still surprised that 10+ plus years have already passed between us! Weren’t we awkward middle schoolers just a few years ago??) I was incredibly happy for Justin and Mary Hannah, though, and everything sat in when I saw Justin walk out to the altar with all his groomsmen. And yes, I even teared up some. After the ceremony, I couldn’t help but wonder how I’ll feel when one of my close girlfriends gets married or better yet–if and when I get married. I really do believe I’ll be one of those excited, emotional brides who tears up saying her vows. I think I’ll be in disbelief that everything is really happening, haha. Oh well, no worries anytime soon. All this to say, I was so glad I could be home for the wedding. I told Justin a long time ago that I wouldn’t miss it for the world! So happy for him and his new wife. Yikes, one of my friends has a wife! Crazy times :)

The downtime at home was good because I also got to catch up with Stacy, who is at home before she moves to Florida for graduate school, and Anne, who lives in Raleigh. Given my job situation, I found myself driving around town and thinking more seriously about how it’ll be to live back around home. With no positive responses yet on the job front, my current plan is to move back home with my parents by the end of August (my lease in Evanston is up at the end of the month). If any job prospects open up and I need to be in NC sooner, I would definitely pack up and go. Right now, it looks like leaving in a month or so will be the best thing. It was a little sobering to realize that even though I graduated, the economy is hugely affecting this “transition period” of my life. A recent news article reported that 80% of college graduates around the nation are moving back home with their parents. 80%?? Tragic. And I realize that moving home was my Plan C or D…but it’s been a difficult reality to swallow. Nonetheless, moving home will allow me to save money and continue to job hunt more rigorously. Coupled with these feelings about moving back with my parents is this bittersweet feeling about leaving Chicago and saying goodbye to my friends here. I mean, I only have a handful of really close friends who are still around, but it will be a jolting reality to leave everything I have built and grown to love about Evanston/Chicago/Northwestern. On the other hand, I think that moving away is part of continuing on with the road in front of me, not behind me.

For many months, I struggled with “where I would be happy living” or “where I should live”…and then just as everything knotted together in confusion, I realized that moving to North Carolina (clarification: moving to NC and having my own place, though living at home will be a transition into that…) put me at ease. For once I realized that that scenario made me happiest, got me most excited. Anyone who knows me well was surprised to hear that I wanted to move to North Carolina, but it’s become increasingly important to me to be around family and friends who will help me grow and love and see that we can’t know where we’re going or what we’re going to do–but we can have relationships that remain constant throughout all that uncertainty. And I guess that realization helped me see that being in an environment where I can experience that with others is important to me right now. Perhaps that is what has become very frustrating about things at the moment. I finally decided that I want to be in North Carolina, but without a job, I can’t entirely plan for everything that I wanted (i.e. a new apartment, a new place of my own). And the job search has entered a new phase. Initially, the process was stressful, then I reached a slight lull after applying for so many positions. After hearing a few “no’s” already or not hearing anything at all, I am rather disappointed and disheartened by it all. I know that given the economy and job market, none of this is a surprise. However, thinking back to the time and energy I invested into internships, job experiences, and getting a stellar education–in the hopes of landing an awesome job right now–has made this process tedious and frustrating. I am trying my very, very best to stay patient. The waiting, though, is what gets to me the most. The not happening-ness of it all, you know?

Anyway, with my plan to move home, at least I know that these next weeks will be working towards “something.” More job hunting, of course, but I’ll also start preparing to pack and move. I’ll clean out old odds and ends, and before I know it, I’ll have to say goodbye to some of my favorite people. That will be the hardest part. To leave a “home” that has shown me a tough love that cannot be replaced or repeated. Four years changes you, and for that, this goodbye will feel strange. Isn’t that funny? The capacity for a place–a space–to take on such meaning and feeling? That when I imagine my life here,  I feel everything and one thing all at once?

Well, friends, that’s the latest from here. I am going to continue applying for jobs, crossing my fingers for good news, and looking ahead.

The Waiting Game

Do you ever wake up feeling like the world woke up without you?

I know, it sounds strange. Yet, that’s kind of how I felt this morning. I didn’t *really* have anywhere to be today, and after tossing and turning in bed last night (and finally reading and putzing around on my netbook for a couple hours), I went to bed pretty late.  Naturally, I slept in, but when I woke up I felt as if I was already behind, or that I didn’t have that much to get up and out of bed to do, you know?  Okay, maybe that’s a matter of “motivation.”

Job hunting has been a slow process.  And no word back from anyone yet…(slightly disheartening but it’s still early).  I found a handful of D.C. positions on Craigslist yesterday, so my goal is to revisit them today and send out some resumes.  Most of my job search has been targeted in NC, but I know I need to get myself out there as much as possible.

Anyway, all of that brings me to this feeling.  I am now in week three of my post-college life.  I have a handful of commitments here and there (i.e. random appointments, hanging out with friends, etc.), but otherwise…my days are pretty open.  I mean, I have been investing a great deal of energy on my job search, which is a time-consuming process.  Between finding positions and then revising resumes and cover letters to send out that fit said positions, well, it’s quite the project!  I am really enjoying the downtime around all of that, don’t get me wrong.  But the nagging feeling of “wanting to know what I’ll be doing” or “actually doing something” sits with me on some mornings.  I guess that’s the underlying impetus of this feeling: that the world woke up without me.  Everybody is doing their own thing, and I am on hiatus; in transition; waiting.

I’ll be flying home next week to visit my family and a few friends, as well as attend Justin’s wedding (eep!).  I’m so excited about the occasion, though it is a little surreal for one of my closest friends to get married.  I’m sure it’ll seem like a  familiar notion as more people tie the knot, but it is a marker of how me–and others–are getting older.

I am continuing on with the job search (that’s all I can do, right?).  At the suggestion of an old NGSP co-worker, I’m also attending the American Library Association Annual Conference (July 11-14), which is conveniently hosted in Chicago this year.  Hundreds of publishing companies come in for the event, so I’ll walk around the exhibits and do some “creative networking.”  We’ll see what happens.  I still have to get things ready for that and figure out which days I’ll attend.

As a final, unrelated note, I started watching Lost again.  I am steadily catching up on the series.  I got through season two last week, and I’m on the last six or so episodes of season three right now; it’s wildly addicting, ha.

Okay, I have some errands to run and more jobs to apply for.  I hope wherever you are, you are doing well, friends.  I’ll be in touch soon.

“The Yeah Yeah Yeah Song” [The Flaming Lips]

While this post will be uploaded later, I’m actually en route to Chicago right now on a flight from Raleigh.  A lot has happened over the past week, so I’m hoping to do my best to update everyone on recent happenings.  1, 2, 3, go!

The Honors Thesis: I am FINISHED.  That’s right, folks (finally).  Thank you to everybody who supported me along the way, especially at the very end!!  My friend Parv has been an amazing trooper, and I can’t believe how lucky I am to have such an understanding, patient, and caring friend.  I am pretty certain she is 10x more prepared for next year when she writes her American Studies honors thesis :)

While I really appreciated the advice and encouragement of friends, family, and peers, I was actually not overwhelmingly satisfied with my overall project.  In fact, I packed a printed copy of my thesis and brought it home with me—but I was still not ready to flip through the pages and read it line by line.  I guess I realized that so much was coming together at the very end, whether that was with my argument or ideas related to the books in my study, that I simply ran out of time and energy.  Quite frankly, I wanted my thesis to come together better, but it didn’t happen (as well as I wanted).  On the upside, though, I did finish my project and turn it in on Tuesday afternoon as anticipated.  Don’t get me wrong—I know that I’m my harshest critic.  If anything, I’m really proud of how much progress I made, and if I ever find myself in grad school, I know that this experience prepared me for any future long-term projects.  And hey, maybe others will say my thesis isn’t half bad.  We’ll see.

As a side tangent, Tuesday afternoon was a mess.  As in, I was a mess, ha.  I had basically been sleeping on an owl’s schedule the week before.  I napped on Monday afternoon and prepared for a number of revisions and writing that I still needed to do for my thesis (= my 7397th all-nighter for the week).  The evening passed and at about 7am on Tuesday I panicked.  Literally.  I laid down a bit, texted a few friends in my stupor, and went to class at 9:30am.  Hurriedly working through my rough bibliography, I sat through lecture and then went back to my apartment for the last stretch of it.  Before walking home, though, I talked to my friend Hunter, who is one of the other Am Studs seniors; he’s been a good anchor through my stress and it was nice to chat with him a bit.

The last few hours were a blur as I sifted through stuff, cleaned up sections, and tried to get pictures into my document (Word, I hate you for being so finicky at points).  Just around 3:00pm (when all the seniors were set to meet at University Hall), I finished up and called Quartet Copies about getting copies of my thesis printed up.  Long story short, an hour later (45 minutes of which I spent sitting around at their store—tired, exhausted, and annoyed) I finally made my way to campus.  Success.  Mostly.

I was so tired, and instead of being relieved that my project was finally turned in, I felt a bit anxious for the rest of the evening and going into Wednesday.  That anxiety has since subsided, and it is nice to know that it’s all behind me.  Since I wasn’t entirely happy with the state of my project when it was turned in, I may revisit parts of it over the next few weeks…we’ll see if that actually happens.  Anyway, thank you to everybody and anybody who followed my tedious progress with this project.  The seniors are all speaking at an American Studies Senior Symposium on May 18th, so that will be a final nod to our honors theses.  I’ll also be interested in hearing what John and KB (my thesis and seminar advisers, respectively) have to say about my final product.

The Days Post-Thesis:  I basically vegged out on Wednesday because I was tired and just so burned out.  At some point after dinner, I ended up putting in a movie and falling asleep.  I woke up in the middle of the night and started what would prove to be a very, very busy Thursday.  I had a midterm assignment due for one of my classes, so I started writing early in the morning (circa 4:30am) and finished right before class at about 9am.  I was in slight disbelief because I managed to write 10 pages of response in just a few hours.  I admit that it was one of my prouder moments, haha.  Anyway, my work was not quite over yet!  I agreed to write an article for CWIP’s upcoming newsletter.  I hadn’t written the piece and needed to e-mail the editor my article.  I hunkered down for a few hours and finished that up late in the afternoon.  At about 4pm I let out a huge sigh of relief.  On top of my thesis, I had made it through midterms AND that article.

My old internship supervisor had given me a gift card to Nail Bar as a farewell present.  The card was for a signature pedicure, so I had made an appointment earlier in the week.  I left my room in its seemingly perpetual state of disarray and then relaxed as I got a pedicure.  It was MUCH NEEDED.  I recommend occasional pampering for anyone who doesn’t make a practice of it; it’s so nice to relax and treat yourself from time to time.  Afterward, the American Studies seniors met up with KB and her kids for dinner, so that was nice.  I then went with Parv to see Waa-Mu, which is a traditional student written, produced, etc. musical on campus.  Such a great show this year!!  The theme of the show was “One for the Books,” and they incorporated countless storybook characters, etc.  The skits were particularly funny this year, and I thought that the performance was really enjoyable.  I even felt a little sappy during the traditional “senior song” at the end; I am increasingly realizing that my time at Northwestern is wrapping up (ack).  I got home late and napped for a bit, then woke up to clean my room, pack, and get ready to leave for the weekend.  I headed to O’Hare a bit before 6am, so it was an earlier morning all around.  And by Friday morning, I was back home in NC.

The Weekend: I’m so glad that I planned this trip home!!  It was really nice to recharge at home after what felt like the roughest few weeks of my undergraduate career.  Perhaps that’s an exaggeration, but I really don’t think it is…I hung out at home Friday, then ran errands with my older brother on Saturday as well as hung at home with my parents.  It was nice to have the whole family together.  I met up with Meredith Saturday night and saw a few of Dan’s friends, too.  Meredith is coming up to visit me during Memorial Day weekend, so I’m excited about the girls weekend.  (Stacy may join us, too, so I’m really excited about that possibility.)  Then, Sunday was the day of Dan’s law school graduation (the reason for my trip).  It was nice to see my brother graduate from UNC Law, and it made me hypersensitive to the fact that I will be graduating soon.  I guess it doesn’t help that pretty much all my high school buddies graduated this weekend, too.  Silly Northwestern and its quarter system!  Dan will be driving up to Cincinnati tomorrow, and it’s crazy to see him grow up and move on to “bigger” things.  His job at the law firm doesn’t start until the fall, but he’s going to get settled into his apartment and prepare for the Ohio bar.  I am so excited for him, so I’m glad we were able to hang out a bit before he left.  The next time we see each other will be for my graduation in June :)

And here we are to Monday!  The weekend was pretty hectic for all my friends, but I got to meet up with Justin and his fiancé Mary Hannah for breakfast this morning.  I’m really glad that I got to catch up with them for a bit because they next time I see them will be at their wedding (ahhhh).  I am so happy for them, and it made me feel a little weird to know that my friends are no longer “in college.”  Suddenly they’re real people, or something, haha.  Justin is one of my oldest friends, so I will be so excited about coming into town in July for their wedding.  I will probably feel a little emotional about the whole thing, especially because he’s my first close friend to get married.  It is becoming increasingly obvious that we are getting older.  Yikes!

“So What Now?”: I am heading back to Evanston, and I will relish in life at thesis work.  I will be working on my resume, cover letters, and marketing portfolio.  Then, I’ll pretty much send out my resume as much as I can in hopes of getting a bite somewhere.  Yes, job hunting is pretty much like a long fishing trip :)  I’m excited and nervous about this new task, but I’m just hoping for the best.  I’ll certainly let you know if anything develops.

I have gone on and on plenty, so I’ll wrap up for now.  I didn’t want to leave you out on any of the drama or chaos that has been my life these days, ha.  I’m hoping to get into a regular sleeping schedule, start jogging and going to the gym again, and renew my energy for reading for pleasure (I’m pretty certain I haven’t done that for 4+ years).  I only have two classes to worry about, so in terms of classes, things should be pretty low-key.  I only have a little over a month left at Northwestern, and I’m going to try my best to enjoy whatever time I have left here.  Because if this weekend at home showed me anything—change is always happening and people are constantly moving on to new things.  Embrace it all, my friends.