“I wonder if the farthest distance I have to travel isn’t inside my own head. But then I think of Gauguin or D.H. Lawrence or Ernest Hemingway, who, incidentally, used to go fishing with my Abuelo Guillermo in Cuba, and I become convinced that you have to live in the world to say anything meaningful about it…Everything up until this very minute, as I sit at my desk…feels like a preparation for something. For what, I don’t know. I’m still waiting for my life to begin.” –Dreaming in Cuban by Cristina Garcia (p. 179)
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Okay, so my weekend was really nice. I got a substantial amount of reading done, met with a couple friends, caught up on little housekeeping things (paying bills, sending e-mails, planning organizational meetings), and even did a good deal of writing–none of these, however, had much to directly do with classwork. I’m finding that as this academic year continues to progress, my mindset shifts. I don’t want to “waste time” yet I feel like I’m doing a lot of that these days. But as my friend Andrew has told me, sometimes the best thing to do is attend to these personal, less tangible needs. Even though it may feel like my weekend comes and goes, I’ve settled with the idea that I’m working on long-term matters. I’ve felt a certain writer’s block about my academic writing. John, my adviser, and I both agree that I just need to sit down and get into a routine, but anyone will tell you that that is easier said than done. I’ve imagined this project over the past few years, probably ever since taking Dorothy Wang’s literature class (never before had I wondered what it meant to be an Asian–or Korean for that matter–living in the United States, being born in the United States–being American). So despite all that anticipation or the research I’ve done in the past few months, I find myself staring down a pile of novels…and they coldly stare back at me. For kicks, I flipped through Dreaming in Cuban, and I remembered reading the above passage a few times over. I liked it so much I figure it’d be worth sharing…and maybe someone will be motivated to read the novel–beautiful, uneasy, supernatural, and sensitive. Anyway, back to this “shift” I’ve noticed.
The immediacy of everything that hits us throughout the day can be summed up in one word: distracting. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I took care of a number of things today, and I also chose to spend time on some things over others. But when it comes down to it, if you spent all your time working on these short-term, immediate demands, when do you have time for yourself? And for the “self” you’ll be in later months, years? Will the things I do today add to how happy or satisfied I’ll be later on? Intellect, education, purpose–they’re all so relative, right? I spent more time thinking about my faith and spirituality than I did about my honors thesis this weekend. (I also started to read C.S. Lewis’ Mere Christianity, which was subtly prompted by separate conversations with Ricky and Andrew, though they probably don’t realize it.) I admit, I had a nagging feeling that I *should* be doing material/concrete/”actual” work…but something about these past few days just asked something different from me. And I went with it. All this to say that I’m starting to work up the energy to start my thesis. I have obviously not come to any big conclusions about anything I thought about this weekend, but as I explained to Joe (who caught me at a particularly introspective moment on Sunday), I’ve been asking myself a lot more questions over the past few months. In typical Joe style, he was very supportive about it and gave his usual, “that’s awesome, Christine.” (It may sound like a trivial “way to go,” but in all honesty, it’s one of the nicest assurances when it’s coming from one of your best buds.) To that end, I guess it’s easy to go along with everything you’re doing and be content with exactly where you are–but of late, I’ve been trying to push that sense of comfort. Everything is always changing; we are–and can–always be changing, too.
I could rant about all the little things that have wound me up today, but I think it’d just be a way for me to put off getting into the work I need to start. I value my senior project–I just haven’t spent enough time with it, which is making this delayed start even more difficult…and frustrating. And my recent interests in reading other books or taking time for myself in a non-scholarly sense have redistributed my use of time. I’m optimistic about February being productive, though I have thought over and over again how relieved I’ll be once June gets here. Admittedly, though, it’ll probably feel like it came too quickly and not soon enough.
For anyone who’s interested, I posted a new page with the prospectus for my senior thesis. It’s a “formal” description of my project, and it’s not really a comprehensive look at the whole thing…but really, an initial vision for it. I really want to be more engaged with it all…because I’ve been looking forward to it for quite some time–but because it’s easier to rattle off a prepared, two-sentence synopsis of my topic when it comes up in conversation rather than actually get into the real purpose of it, you’re welcome to read on and see for yourself why I’ve been looking at these novels. There should be a new page link for that…so go to town.
The takeaway from this lengthy, unwieldy post? Consider how you are spending your time and your time will have more considerable meaning. Silly…I know, but sometimes we all just need that reminder (if anything, I know I do). Okay, I’m going to cook up some ramen and write. Night.
PS: Parv, I live one block away and you have my cell number. Don’t forget that. (Oh yeah–and lobsters. The end.)
Four and a Half and Counting 